Baby Loss Awareness Week 2021
By Ruth | Oct 10, 2021
Back in April this year, I experienced something I never thought I would. I was 8 and a half weeks pregnant, had had my blood tests and everything confirmed and was in my head planning my life as a family of 4, getting excited, thinking about the future.
The moment we found out, just before my 30th birthday, we were beyond happy and even though he was only 15 months old. I told my little boy he was going to be a big brother and would talk to him about it often.
Then I started to get some spotting, I honestly wasn’t concerned as I had had this with my first baby and just thought I must be prone to it. So I went for an early scan. This is where everything goes a bit blurry and I find it hard to remember specifics, but I’ll do my best to summarise my story, I’m sharing because I want others to know you are never alone.
Due to covid, I had to go in for the scan by myself. I guess if I had been prepared for the worst it may have been easier, but I wasn’t I was naive and thought everything would be ok. They scanned me and the lady asked if I wanted to see the screen, I remember saying “Yes if it’s good news, maybe not if it’s not, oh whatever just show me either way.” To which she then turned the screen and said, “It’s not good news I’m afraid, there’s no baby.”
Like many women during covid who have had to face these situations on their own, it was heartbreaking. I was so upset, I didn’t understand. No baby? But I’m pregnant, how can there be no baby? This is when the words molar pregnancy were first mentioned.
A molar pregnancy is a rare type of miscarriage where there’s a problem with a fertilised egg, meaning a baby and a placenta do not develop the way they should after conception. A molar pregnancy will not be able to survive, it happens by chance and is very rare. I had never heard of it and felt like the only person in the world who must have experienced this.
The very next day (which was also my wedding anniversary) I had to go in for emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy. Not only was this physically demanding, but the whole situation was so emotionally draining too. With a molar pregnancy, the weirdest thing for me to get my head around was that I was pregnant, but I wasn’t really pregnant. No life had been formed, except a bunch of cells which could potentially cause cancer. So many scary words running around in my mind.
I had a break from social media and just needed time to work through everything. When I did return, I shared on my stories what had happened and the out pouring of love, kindness and messages from you guys was phenomenal. It really helped me to move forward and heal, knowing that I wasn’t the only person going through this. Sadly, I’m not the first and I won’t be the last, but with the sender’s permissions, I wanted to anonymise and share some of the messages (there were hundreds and hundreds I couldn’t share them all!) because reading them really made me feel some comfort and it may help someone else going through a miscarriage right now too.
I’m currently still undergoing a follow up programme until 2022, because with a molar pregnancy the cells can lie dormant but I feel so thankful that my levels are currently normal and I haven’t had to have any chemo or further treatment. Sending big hugs to anyone going through similar, or who understands the pain and shining a light for all our babies gone too soon. As the messages show, you are never alone.